Entry #6 (Eng 102) - Who's Stressed?

Say it ain't so...

 Really.  I handle stress like a pro!  I hold it all inside till my eye starts twitching and I think my blood pressure has hit its mark in 'stroke range' and then I just walk outside and take one of my patented "sanity breaks" to not kill or go off on people!  It works great!  ...mostly.  ...sort of... 

Every weekend, I wake up at 4:30 in the morning, drive to pick up my co-worker and drop off my husband who watched her daughter, then we drive to work (and usually run through Starbucks because, well, caffeine).  At about 6:30am, we walk inside the building and clock in, staring down a 16 hour shift.  Essentially, on Saturday morning, I walk into work like the above meme.  I am back.  I'm ready for this.  Let's do this!  By the time I'm leaving work at 10:30pm on Sunday? 

The thing is, this cycle happens -every- weekend.  And every weekend I leave work thinking "there's no way I can keep doing this.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I'm too old for this, I hurt too much, I need to find a job closer to home, or one with shorter shifts.. something."  And yet, every Saturday, I repeat the same cycle!  Sure some of it is that I love my 'people' aka - my patients.  I do.  Even when they stress me out so badly I can't see straight, I still love them.  But they still stress me out.  Just about everything except leaving work stresses me out. 

As I said, my breaks at work are my 'sanity' breaks.  I need them.  Literally, I need them.  Those 15 minutes are the moments where I regroup myself and remind myself that no, it is not okay for me to go of on someone.  And no, I can't completely ignore them, no matter how many times they repeatedly scream my name until I ask them what they need and it's something like "I don't know."  Seriously?  You just sat there saying "Elka, Elka, Elka" (don't ask me why, that's one of my patient's names for me.  No idea where it came from) and when I ask her what she needs, she stares blankly at me and says "I don't know."  And that's about the point in my head that I imagine myself repeatedly beating my head on the wall.  That's why I take my 'sanity breaks'.  They're a necessary part of survival! 

<.<  Ok, so this might be more my speed.  Sometimes I really think that I handle things great.  I organize myself, I stick to a routine, I have a clue what I'm doing.  And then, it never fails, something happens and I feel like that guy.  A lot of things go through my head on the weekends at work.  I just end up staring at things and feel my brain chugging trying to figure out a response that isn't profanity-laden.  Usually, I manage to sort something out, but the profanity-laden speech is still rolling around like marbles inside my head. 

Every weekend, I try so hard to start my day with a positive outlook.  I really do.  I start my day with the best of intentions!  And then life and reality set in and I realize it's more of the same.  Or not the same but still strange and interesting ways to stress me right the hell out.  Sometimes, I seriously wonder if some kind of cosmic force is out there, watching my weekends like some people watch afternoon soap operas and laughing their cosmic asses off at me.  When it comes down to it though, by the time I leave on Sunday night, I essentially feel like this:

Every weekend, I leave thinking "Oh my God I'm going to drink a whole bottle of wine by myself, I'm so done with this weekend!"  Admittedly, by the time I get home (between 11:30 to midnight), I'm just happy if I can manage to eat dinner without falling asleep mid-bite.  Still, as stressful as it is, I keep going back.  Why?  Because I love being a nurse.  It's exhausting and stressful beyond belief, but I still love it.  And I'm lucky that I have some pretty awesome co-workers that make the day a lot more tolerable.  This being Friday night, I'm finishing up this post staring down the fact I'm going into another weekend.  I know, again, I'll start with the same hopeful outlook when I walk into work tomorrow morning.  And I also know that by the time I leave on Sunday night, I'll be practically running for my car thinking "Oh thank god the weekend is over!"  Am I the only one who feels this way though?  We all have stresses in our lives - personal, school, work - surely I'm not the only one who deals with this kind of stress and has these kinds of thoughts.  Man I hope I'm not the only one!  Leave some comments and give me your feedback, let me know about your own stressful situations and how you guys deal with them.  Maybe I can learn some new ways to deal with stress!