Entry #8 - And Now For Something Complete Different

A momentary break from the norm...

Normally, I tend to keep my pairs of entries along the same theme.  One talks about a review of blogs, the next focuses on one in specific.  The next is about a social media personality and the follow-up entry is about another personality.  Essentially, I attempt to keep the flow steady and present so as I do each set of entries they more or less mirror one another in topic.  In this case, however, I'm going to break away from my previous pattern and turn this a bit more personal. 

An interesting facet of writing is that your audience never knows when you have to get up and walk away from the keyboard.  They can't see the distress, the discomfort, the shame or even sometimes the tears that may come.  On the other hand, that disconnect can make it easier for the writer (aka me) to put the words out there, to actually get them out.  Not having to look someone in the face as they expectantly wait for me to formulate words to talk about something that is beyond words makes it easier to get through the writing.  So, that being said, I'll get on with this.  

So if the previous meme didn't make it clear, consider this the preemptive warning for triggers.  This is not an easy topic, especially for those who have experienced this kind of situation.  If reading further would be something that would be too painful or reopen old wounds, now would be the best time to stop reading and go find something else to read.  Just saying.  

When I was 19 I got into a serious relationship with a man who was six years older than me.  I moved out of my parent's home and into an apartment with him and spent the next three years of my life with him.  I worked hard during that time and made my way up to become a store manager of a quarter of a million dollar retail store at 21.  For lacking a college education, I was doing rather well for myself and making a very nice salary with bonuses multiple times through the year based on sales.  Things should have been great.  On the surface they were.  Over the three years I was with my ex I had become very good at making things appear great on the surface.

As with most every story of some form of abuse that I have heard, things obviously didn't start with my ex-boyfriend being a total asshat.  Things were great in the beginning.  Looking back, seeing as hindsight is 20/20, I can see little signs that I missed in the moment that should have been warning bells.  There were lots of little ways that he invalidated my opinions.  We always went with his decision on anything.  It was always his choice.  Always what he wanted.  But it never seemed that way.  "Interesting" fact is that a lot of abusers are exceptional manipulators.

 
In a way I wish I had seen something like this 12 years ago.  The first sign would have been a major tip off.  As my relationship progressed, I found myself censuring myself to avoid saying or doing things that would upset my ex.  I stopped voicing my opinion on things because, unless they agreed with his, they would automatically be dismissed.  He talked over me a lot, to the point that I didn't talk as much around him because.. what was the point?  He wouldn't listen to me anyway.  I always had to account for where I was to him.  If we had a fight (which is to say that I disagreed with him and he yelled at me for it) and I went for a drive alone to clear my head, he would become even more incensed because he didn't know where I was or what I was doing.  Again, hindsight being what it is, I can see how now utterly controlling his behavior towards me was.  Understanding it doesn't make it any easier to remember the way it felt.  



Long before things ever became physical, the emotional and mental abuse had been going on for some time.  It's embarrassing to admit to this, but the first time my ex ever hit me was over a video game.  While it's embarrassing to admit it, I include the reason because I think it's important to point out just how petty the reason was for actually striking someone you say that you love.  He was playing a video game (one of the Zelda ones) on his GameCube (that he insisted on buying along with the games to go with it instead of paying our utilities first, and with my money as he didn't have a job at this point) and he oh so graciously offered to let me try playing.  I didn't play video games (we never had a console growing up) so I'm admittedly not very good at them.  As he tried talking me through what to do and how to do it, he became increasingly... emphatic.  "No! Don't go there!"  "You should do the other quest first, I don't care if you want to do this one, the other one is more important!"  "LISTEN TO ME, you're doing it wrong!"  

The more he yelled the harder it was for me to focus and finally I snapped at him, "Stop yelling at me, I'm the one playing the fucking game!"  And no sooner had the words left my mouth than I felt his hand connecting with the side of my face.  He apparently had terrible aim too as instead of getting my cheek, he actually hit the side of my head.  Maybe he hit exactly where he meant to, it didn't leave a visible mark (like bruising on the cheek), it took a couple days to not have a slight ringing in my ear and my ear hurt so bad I couldn't sleep on that side for about a week without it making my ear/head throb.  

There are a few things about that event that greatly bothered me, both in the moment and in the years after.  In fact even to this day some things bother me more than others.  The first and most overwhelming thing which bothers me is that I didn't simply walk out the door, go to my parent's house, and never set eyes on him again.  That would have, by far, been the smartest move.  But it isn't what I did.  Instead I stared at him, stunned, and then tossed the controller down and went to our bedroom and went to bed without speaking to him again that day.  The next part that bothered me was the next day, our roommate came up to my work.  She hadn't seen what had happened but she'd heard the strike and put enough together to know what had occurred.  However, when she came to 'check on me' at work, the words that left her mouth destroyed any thoughts I had of telling anyone about what went on.  "Well you know he has a temper, you shouldn't have yelled at him like that."

With just a few words, it became my fault.  I did know he had a temper, he was displaying it loud and proud in the moment too.  As much as him hitting me had hurt, my roommate's words cut deeper.  All of the emotional and mental abuse, all the manipulations that belittled me, that made things my fault instead of his, came full bore into my mind and shit got all twisted up in how I looked at it.  I knew I didn't deserve to be hit, but "I shouldn't have yelled at him."  "He wouldn't have hit me if I'd just kept my mouth shut."  "He hit me, but it's my fault because I pushed him over the edge."  Yeah.  I actually thought those things.  And it disgusts me to this day that I thought that way.  Welcome to the power of emotional and mental manipulations and abuse.

During the three years we were together, my ex only hit me twice.  In a lot of ways I'm lucky it was only two.  It's still two too many, but it could have been so, so much worse.  Things with my ex fizzled (gee I wonder why) and we drifted apart.  While we still lived together due to leasing contracts, we slept in different beds and the relationship was pretty much dead.  I figured, hey, great, better that it slowly dies off than to be this whole blown-up affair.  Then I met my now-husband.  Oh boy did my ex freak out then.  Suddenly he was 'desperate' about going on without me.  He was sorry about everything, he'd change, he'd be better.  Whatever I wanted, he'd do it.  By that point, I was so afraid of actually talking about all that had gone wrong during our relationship, I refused to actually speak to him face to face.  I made him leave the house and go somewhere else and we talked over the phone.  I was afraid of talking to him about our problems.  I was afraid of him.  No matter how he begged and pleaded, I had finally reached a point that I heard all of his lies for what they were - lies.  Empty promises.  Bullshit. Somehow, that just made it hurt all over again.

Needless to say, I moved on to a much healthier relationship.  My parents and both of my older brothers heartily approved of and love my husband.  A comment that he said to me early on in our relationship has always stuck with me: "If I ever lay a hand on you in anger, you have my permission to use a shotgun on me."  He knew the situation with my ex (he'd met my ex in fact) and he rather astutely realized the kind of environment I was existing in when he asked me, "Are you going to be safe here when I leave?"  It's sad when you hesitate to answer that kind of question because you honestly don't know if you would be safe.

My life is much different now, but there are still lingering traces of that experience that exist.  Every time I speak up to voice my opinion, I have to overcome the voice in the back of my head telling me to shut up, that no one wants to hear my opinions.  Every time I stand up for myself or have a higher expectation of what I deserve (expectation of proper compensation for example) I question if I really deserve it.  Even going back to school was difficult for me because the whole process terrified me.  I know logically I'm an intelligent woman who is capable of facing all kinds of challenges.  Emotionally?  I doubt myself every damn day.  And every day I overcome those doubts.  But it's a battle that will never truly end.  I changed during those three years with my ex and I changed in the years after him.

I'm no longer the person I was before I met my ex, the experiences I had with him destroyed who I once was and someone different came out the other end.  I'm still me, just with more doubts, more inner struggles, more inner scars.  Emotional scars are a thing, they are as real as physical scars.  It's just that only the person who has them is constantly aware of them.  No one can look at someone with emotional scars and think to themselves, "Damn, that must have really hurt."  There's no physical proof validating the pain and struggle that was gone through.  But it still exists.  It never goes away.  It just gets a little easier to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

I was talking with a friend online while writing this blog, during one of my "I need a break" moments.  I told him what had me upset and he was supportive as best he could be and he apologized to me.  My response to him was: "Physical wounds can leave scars.  Emotional wounds do too, you just can't see them.  Acknowledging them is painful and it hurts but it's a pain that you can live with because you lived through it, it's a pain of looking back and realizing you survived it."  That's the truth of it.  I survived it.  Maybe a little cracked, maybe a little dented, but I survived it.  Every doubt and every fear that I have that originates from that experience with my ex is one that I will find a way to overcome.  He might have cracked and dented me, but he didn't break me.

While I know that this entry is already getting rather long, there's one other aspect I want to cover.  This was a personal situation I went through.  While emotional and mental abuse aren't viewed the same way or even acknowledged sometimes as legitimate abuse compared to physical abuse, it's still, in general, considered something that happens.  To women.  There's a whole other story that gets ignored though.  Men are more likely to suffer emotional and mental abuse.  A lot of abuse against women is physical (as men who would abuse tend to be physical and aggressive).  However, abuse against men does happen.  It happens a lot.  And whereas men are physically aggressive, women's weapons are our words.  Women get called catty for a reason.  We can be vicious.  And when that's turned towards a man, when words are used to belittle and demean, they are just as hurtful as fists - just in a different way. 

The meme I used earlier on the "5 signs of an emotionally abusive relationship", it doesn't specify "your boyfriend" or "your husband".  It says "your partner".  An example of this:  I have a good friend, for this example I'm going to call him Bob.  Or maybe I should call him Fabian just to get a laugh out of him when he reads this.  We'll go with Bob.  Now Bob and I haven't been friends for too over long but we have one of those wonderful friendships where we hit it off almost immediately.  We are exactly each others kind of 'weird' and we get each other's humor.  Bob is, simply put, amazing.  He's a great friend.  He's a wonderful listener, very supportive, he's hilarious, he has a huge heart and he's very kind and thoughtful.  And he went through a horrific relationship with his ex-wife that was very emotionally and mentally abusive.  To the point that it upsets him just talking about those feelings and the lingering emotions of still caring about a person who hurt you even though you know they're no good for you.

Now here is an exceptional man, the kind of man that women should fall over themselves for because of the kind of personality and temperament that he possess, and he has been emotionally abused by his ex-wife to the point that just talking about that situation is painful and brings up feelings of anxiety and other negative responses.  It doesn't matter if you're male or female, physically intimidating or physically weak, well off or dirt poor - abuse is abuse.  Physical abuse is acknowledged and frowned on and laws are in place for people who physically abuse another person.  Emotional and mental abuse?  Those aren't really talked about the same way.  It's easy for the general population to look at a person and say "Oh they must have really been through hell, look at the scars they have left over from their experience."  It's not so easy when all the scars are on the inside.  It still doesn't mean they aren't there.

So, just a suggestion, a friendly piece of advice, don't dismiss it if someone says you did something that hurt them.  Don't dismiss their feelings.  Don't think just because a man does what a woman tells him he's 'pussy-whipped', it might go much deeper than that.  Don't think that a woman who is compliant to her partner to the point of detriment to herself is 'just taking care of her man', she might not be allowed to make mistakes without being made to feel insignificant.  Keep your eyes open to the interactions between people.  Don't put blinders on to the existence of this problem.  As long as we ignore that it exists, our inaction allows it to continue unabated.

I know I've made it a habit of 'signing' off each post with a goodbye meme.  Despite the... heavier nature of this post, I won't abandon that habit.  I'll endeavor to lighten the mood in the next post.  So, until next time.